We were there for work, not play. My good friend worked for a motorcycle injury law firm this summer, and her bosses wanted to begin writing a book. She enlisted both me and another friend of ours to go interview bikers at the rally to compile enough experiences for said book. One woman, when asked if we could use her name in future publications, asked us if we wanted her real name or her stripper name. (She wasn’t kidding.) Another man began complaining about biker stereotypes, and I told him that the leather whip in his hand and the story he almost began about a sexual encounter at the side of the road was not really helping his qualms. Almost everyone we had spoken to had injured themselves rather seriously and then gotten back on the bike as soon as the anesthesia wore off. These people were impressive, and not just because they could stomach fried cheese curds without immediate digestive upheaval.

So what did I learn this weekend? One, with 144 people, the world’s largest beer bong (filled with two kegs of Wisconsin’s Finest Horny Goat Beer) can be finished in five seconds–or, a gross of individuals can undertake a gross task. With fervor. And two, I re-realized the importance of listening to peoples’ stories. It would’ve been incredibly easy to write off these individuals whose affinity for patriotic headkerchiefs was seemingly only outweighed by their affinity for the 3PM mudwrestling. But listening to their stories was humbling. Taking the time to learn about others is underrated in a world where hard facts are often stressed as the bottom line, but a shift should probably be made towards anecdotal importance.

The question is: why is story telling so important, and how can you do it effectively?

One word: uniqueness. No two people will tell the same story, and no two people will tell the same story exactly the same. The one way to set yourself apart from everyone else talking about the same subject, whether it be a job interview or a debate, is by making the topic personal. Emphasizing your personal stake in the topic increases your ethos–speaker credibility–because your audience can clearly see you aren’t just reciting what you read from Wikipedia. It also makes your message more memorable. We’ve talked several times about making your point stick with your listeners, and there’s no better way to do this than telling a story. Stories play to your emotions and therefore make it easier for you to recall them.

How do you tell a good story? One particular method stressed for job interviews is called STAR. The mnemonic is broken down as follows: Scenario, Task or target (what was required of you?), Action you took, and Results. This is a simple and succinct way of being able to craft and deliver your stories by keeping it personal but also getting your point across. And simple is a key word here. While stories don’t tend to get interrupted–another great reason to use them to get your point across–people’s attention spans might be cut short if you tend to ramble. If you hit all the important points on the STAR (pun definitely intended) you’ll be able to cover all the important points without losing your listeners in the process.

Why do we watch movies or read books? Why have blogs exploded all over the Internet? Because we intrinsically understand and appreciate the importance of telling a story, and in some ways we can reach a common ground through the stories we tell. Don’t just tell stories–listen to others’ as well. Perhaps they’ll give you a story to tell in the future.

The power of persuasion is also quite pervasive when it comes to story telling. I’ll probably own a motorcycle in the next few months, so long as it doesn’t come with a leather overall prerequisite.

To our readers: why are stories important to you? What’s the best story you’ve ever been told?

Which Character from The Office Are You?

Rejoice. Discuss. Lament. Retake. And enjoy your Labor Day weekend!

I just moved into my new residence yesterday, and anyone who’s assailed their ears in the last few weeks to listen to my plight will know that some higher being REALLY just didn’t want me to leave. From having to spend 40 minutes dismantling my Ikea bed so that it could fit through the hallway (and severely compromising the sturdiness of the thing in the process) to finding the elevator broken the morning of, move out was less than ideal. The first UHaul place called me the day before to tell me I couldn’t have my truck for as long as I needed it because apparently the word “confirmation” means “processing request.” And I had to do most of the moving myself, meaning everything took about three hours longer than it should have. My legs and arms are now covered with enough bruises from trying to hold doors open with my hands full to raise suspicion of trampling. It was the Murphy’s Law of move-outs.

The parts that were easiest? The brief parts for which I DID have assistance. Maggie and Jess were philanthropic enough to spend an hour sweating in my 8th floor, un-AC’d apartment using a pair of needle nose pliers to pull the screws out of my headboard. I was homeless for a night, and my dear friend Terri let me crash at her place while also lending me her fridge for my perishables. And moving in to my new place only took an hour because my dad came to help me unload. After I had complained to him about the nightmare that was moving out, he said to me, “But you have to do it by yourself first, because it’s only then do you realize how valuable it is to have help.”

…I hate it when my dad’s right.

People prize independence. Being able to “go it alone” and ride out on your own competencies is seen as an accomplishment. But having a few extra hands can go a long way, and the first place to start is in building and cultivating relationships. The people who willingly helped me schlep boxes and furniture back and forth using the world’s slowest moving elevator were my coworkers, with whom I’ve become close with over the course of this summer. Your relationships are your most valuable resource, and they shouldn’t be discarded just because their value cannot be quantitatively measured.

The question is: how do we begin to establish and foster relationships? If people are such an important asset, how is it that we get them on our side?

Part of the reason people are reluctant to meet new people is because they don’t know where to start. Don’t make it more complicated than it has to be. If you’re at work, make small talk in the elevator. Say hi to the people you pass as you’re walking down the hall. Invite people on coffee runs, lunch breaks, or just try and catch them on the way out of a meeting. People like to talk about themselves, so it can be as simple as asking, “How is your day going?” You don’t have to be a professional pick-up artist. You’re not asking them on a date. (If I’m wrong and you are, check with HR on your interoffice relationship policy.)

Relationships are like karma. There will always be an equal balance of give and take, and try and keep that in mind when starting to build your social network. You’re not networking for your own personal benefit, although the help they can provide you is a pleasant side effect. You want to enter into a mutual agreement to help and be helped, and you should help without the promise of gain. Starting to build relationships without the urgency of need ensures that you’ll have a cadre of compadres when it is you may need them. Mike always uses the metaphor of fire prevention–you don’t begin teaching people the escape routes during the actual fire. Make friends first. It’ll pay you back later, and you will pay them back in kind.

We learned a lot when we were young, and making friends was an important lesson. Having people to support and assist you can go a long way, and the reverse is also true. Helping others can be just as rewarding as receiving help yourself. Just say hi. Maybe someday you’ll be helping each other move.

In the meantime, I have to go find a nice steak place to take out my movers. Once bed deconstruction was involved, I had to upgrade them from Burger King.

To our readers: what is so valuable about your relationships?

My question to our readers is, “How would you rate yourself on your ability to build relationships?”  Do you find it important to build relationships with your co-workers?  Do you find it uncomfortable?  Speak up!

7 Simple Ways to Say No

Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.

After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.

Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”

To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:

1. You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
2. Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
3. Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
4. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
6. Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.

If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.

At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.

7 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.

If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”

If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.

2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”

It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.

3. “I’d love to do this, but …”

I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).

4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”

This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.

If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.

5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.

6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”

If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.

7. “No, I can’t.”

The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.

Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.

Celes writes at The Personal Excellence Blog on how to achieve our highest potential and live our best life. Get her free ebook “101 Things To Do Before You Die” by signing up for her free newsletter.

If you think your 3-hour stint on the Eisenhower is bad, the Chinese are dealing with one lasting ten days and counting. People who normally take a mere three days to drive from Bejing to Inner Mongolia are cited as saying it will now take “a week or more.” Villagers are taking advantage of the plight to sell overpriced snacks to people playing cards in their trucks, a venture my friend and I considered undertaking once we realized how cheaply we could buy Hostess pies in bulk. What’s the cause of the hold up? They’re building new roads because of the traffic problems. Let that sink in for a minute. The traffic is being caused by a means of decongestion. Irony–the anecdotal version of oxymoron.

You wonder: did no one think that this would be a poor idea? Was there not a better way of getting things done? Is this traffic problem the root of “Chinese fire drills”? It’s one thing to think “short term consequences for long term benefits.” Even construction on I-94 doesn’t cause traffic that lasts for days. Someone must’ve had the foresight to anticipate this counterintuitive side effect. Perhaps this is just a consequence of not thinking things through. Sometimes there’s a better solution to a problem than the first one you see.

The question is: how do we learn to arrive at better solutions? What can force us to take the time to think through our problems? In short, how do we free our minds from taking the first off-ramp from the National Highway 110?

When arriving upon a workable solution, the natural tendency is to assume that it is the end of the process. After all, you set out with a problem, and the goal is to solve it. But the first answer is not always the best answer. One thing to do is to come up with a second, equally workable solution after you’ve landed on your first. The latter solution may mitigate some consequences of the former that you may not have been aware of. It’s also just a good exercise in thinking laterally. Open up your mind to the possibility that there is more than one right answer; thinking about a problem in terms of multiple opportunities rather than a “point A to point B” approach helps you generally become more innovative.

Take the time to play devil’s advocate. Are there any important consequences that your solution might not be covering? Are there any unintended problems that may ARISE from your solution? Talking it over with others helps to illuminate gaps or possibilities that you may not have previously considered. It helps to get out of your own head. You may believe what you’ve arrived upon is best, but someone else might be able to reframe the problem to create a more effective solution. And talking it over with someone who is uninvolved in the actual decision may bring you a completely new perspective. Think of it as a Rorschach test–each inkblot is a different image for each individual who views it. The same is true of the problem at hand. What looks like a new road for you may look like a traffic jam to someone else.

The solution is not the end. Think of other solutions that are just as workable, or bounce ideas off of others to earn new perspectives. Not only does this help with the problem at hand, but you’ll have opened up to new ways of thought. An ineffective solution to one problem may be a perfect fit for another.

On second thought, this traffic jam may be the answer to my post-collegiate debt. How many boxes of perishable food items can I take on an international flight?

To our readers: what helps you think things through?

In parents’ defense, most of it springs from a genuine concern for their children. Now that they’re given the opportunity to make sure that Billy or Susie is okay 24-7 via cell phones and Skype, it seems foolish not to do so. It’s a much different era from the one when you couldn’t be reached as soon as you left the house. And often it’s nice to have guidance from someone who does know better, if not best. Ultimately, though, it results in a loss of ownership of successes and failures on the part of their children. It’s one thing to take someone’s hand. It’s another to yank their arm out of the socket while dragging them around.

Consultants are like parents. It’s our job to give our clients guidance, and we’re assumed to know best. But there is again a fine line between making suggestions and making demands. If your word becomes bond, you become the only trusted authority for decision making, and you can effectively cripple your clients. Additionally, if your advice goes sour, you become the scapegoat. Part of consulting is putting a framework in place to aid your clients without them continually tracing their results back to you. Think of it like the Inception of business. Yes. You are the Leonardo DiCaprio of the corporation. Instill the idea, but let them take ownership.

The question is: how can you feel comfortable letting go of your clients? What steps can you take to be sure that your clients will make good decisions in the future without your guidance? How can you prevent your inclination toward hovering?

One means of doing so is by providing your clients with frameworks and formulas. If you attempt to fix every problem they encounter, they’ll see the solution to any future problems as “ask someone else what we should do.” Frameworks act as tools for them to use when they need to make decisions themselves. The principle is captured in the adage, “give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” You can hand them the answers, but it’s much more effective to allow them to come up with them on their own. Although it seems counterintuitive, it’s your job to make them a higher functioning team, not a higher dependency one.

When they get to a good solution, stress their success. Show them specifically how it was that THEY achieved their goals. Push them toward valuing their own agency in the decision making process. Once they realize they have the power to make change and be successful, your role might naturally phase itself out. And what might help is to change your mindset as well. Your success should be viewed as facilitating the success process, not directing it. Just as a parent teaches their child to remove their training wheels, you should encourage your clients to see that they can be successful without help.

It’s hard to let go of a client. Without constant follow-up, you’ll never know if your guidance was received correctly. At the risk of becoming a helicopter consultant, though, you have to know when to let go, and attempt to give them tools to be successful when you’re not around. Your clients are kind of like your kids–you want to see them grow, and you want to share in their successes. But you have to know when to let them go it alone.

There is some good that arises from increased parental involvement. But child leashes…that’s just a whole new level of unfair.

To our readers: what do you do to put ownership of success in the hands of your clients?

Question: What, if anything, does your organization do to help its employees with self-development?